Gosh there’s so much I want to tell you today, but I just have no idea where to start. There’s so much to be said since this day last year when I lost you. Can you even believe that it’s been a year? Yep, that’s insane! In the last year I’ve stepped on the ground of seven different countries, moved into a house, became a senior in college, and most importantly I’ve missed you everyday.
Mom, it’s weird. I’ll have something happen, or just be driving and get the urge to call you, so I pick up my phone and I begin to dial and then I’m left there right in my tracks. I realize that I can’t call you, text you, Facebook you, ANYTHING! What eff Mom? It’s not fair. I don’t get to have those conversations that ever girl needs to have with her mom. Regardless of the state of our relationship I always knew I could call you. Even if the end I didn’t like what you said or disagreed I still walked away excited that I got to talk to you that day. But I don’t get to have that anymore. Yea, I’ve had friends step up and play that mom role when I need it, but no one will ever replace you. Not even Nonna, and that’s saying a lot.
This time a year ago I was eagerly awaiting your phone call since we hadn’t spoken in a few days, but instead of a call from you it was Ant Teresa… Telling me news I never thought I would hear, at least not for another 50 years! But nope, it came now. I was forced to my knees in the hallway of my room in Moffett. I couldn’t breathe and I was in utter disbelief. I called in friends to be near during that time, but all I wanted was for it to all be some sick joke. But nope, it was the absolute, ugly truth.
I remember my drive home mile, for mile. Tons of Mariah Carey, BoyzIIMen, and Luther Vandross. Lots of tears. Lots of thoughts. My thoughts ranged all over the place. Anger at my self for not calling you more, or being with you more. More anger for all the bitterness and anger I held towards you for so many years. And then ultimately, knowing that I didn’t have you anymore. I didn’t have that place to run to when I just needed to get away. I looked at everything I would never again and the things I would never be able to experience.
It’s not fair! Mom, Benita, Deven, Kay and I have always had to go without. I know that sounds harsh, but beleive me it’s not meant to be that way. We’ve always been without nice things, and crazy vacations (seeing as we only ever had one of them, haha. Remember your sunburn!). There have even been moment where deep down I’ve believed that you chose to leave us. I’m still working through not believing that lie, it’s easier to believe that somedays. However, through all that one thing we were never truly without was love. I didn’t believe it then but I know it now that you really did bend over backwards for us. There were nights I truly thought social services was gonna take us away, or we were gonna starve, but I knew that if it ever got too hard or bad you would have robbed a grocery store for us (Which you kind of did, you didn’t rob it, but you did steal that Easy Mac that one time for me and you)! I didn’t believe it then, not even for a second, but now I see how selfless you were. I see your heart behind the decisions you made, and your rationale in things. If we’re being honest I always felt like your misfit child, I felt like I was the one you hated. I see the lie in that now and I can call it out immediately! I know you loved me mom, and I know wherever you are now, you still love me. I don’t doubt it at all.
Do you wanna know the hardest thing… I’m terrified of marriage mom. I know it’s cliché, but I really am. I’m terrified to meet an incredible man who loves me and treats me right because I know that you wouldn’t have ever had the chance to meet him. He would never truly understand where I get my crazy from, why I drink coffee like I do, why I have a weird obsession with 80’s music, and R&B. Mom he’ll never really understand. And here’s the real kicker… You’ll never see me in my dress. I won’t get to see your eyes light up, your excitement for me, or anything. You’ll be just a memory, a someone who should’ve been there sitting in the front row rejoicing with me, but now if that day ever comes, that can’t happen. Mom, you’re supposed to be here. You’re supposed to celebrate with me, love me, and just be here. But you can’t be, and that sucks.
I know that this what not in your plans, so a little piece of me has relief for that, but the pain is still the same. I miss you mom. I miss bed time stories, watching weird movies, eating white cheese, deer meat burgers, and Christmas morning McDonald’s runs! I miss it all mom. I love you more today than I have in a while. To me this is in fact just another day, but it’s a day that reminds me of the worst phone call I ever received! I love you mom, I miss you everyday. I wish you were here to see me grow up and be the woman you always wanted me to be. Know that I’m looking out for Kay and Deven. They’re doing really well and we all miss you always. I love you so much.
Fun fact as I write this in my journal, BoyzIIMen, “Song for Momma” started playing, thanks mom!
Today is going to be hard, no joke. But it will get better. It will never be ok, just, it’ll get better.
I will see every sunrise and think of you. I will look at the bay bridge and remember our one and only family vacation. I will sip coffee with salt, milk, and sugar. I will laugh when someone talks about soap operas. And everytime “You are My Sunshine” happens I’ll smile, and release my one tear and walk on. You taught me to be brave, and brave is what I’ll always be!
I love you mom, I’m hopeful for a day we could be reunited, but if we never are, I’ll remember the woman who you truly were, selfless, loving, and brave!
You are my sunshine!