I’m Worn…

I’ve known that I needed to write this post for a while, but I could never find the words, or the motivation because of how truly worn I was, however I know I need to write this out and put it out there for the world to see…. So here goes nothin!

The word “Worn” is an adjective meaning, damaged and shabby as a result of overuse. I honestly can’t think of a better word to describe my life right now, and I’m only 5 weeks into my semester, how shameful, ha! But I know that there is a reason, I don’t know what it is but I know there is one. I am feeling this way for many reasons, one I’m a junior in college. Meaning I’m at the clutch of my college career, one year away from having to step into the real world, and still one year left of what is supposed to be the greatest years of my life. So you could say I’m slightly torn about that. However I’m at a point in my life where I’m having to make some of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. What am I going to do once I graduate, I have a great idea of what that is but I truly don’t now. The one question everyone in my immediate family wants to know, when am I getting married… my current answer to that, Don’t know and Don’t care, and I kind of need a guy in my life to even kick off that idea, and yea that position is currently vacant in my life. The one thing my grandmother continually asks, “How do you expect to make a living just teaching English Overseas?” My answer, I’m not sure, but my father does :).

But needless to say I could go on for hours about my woes, but I won’t bore you with that. My life is insane!!! That’s all there is, I’m tired, I’m worn, and I’m in desperate need of someone. However my downfall is that I constantly neglect is that I forget that I do have someone, always at anytime of day. He’s there, and He knows me, and He loves me anyways! Yep, my amazing savior. I so often forget His presence in my life and how HE IS ON THE THRONE. He is longing for me to call out to Him to ask for the help that I need and long for.

So what do I do with this truth? I run away of course!! I think, NOPE my feelings and my problems are way to big for you, so deuces I’m out! I neglect necessary time that I should be spending with Him, I run from prayer, and I of course flee from the word. They scare me because I know He’s wanting me to do something I don’t want to do. I’m begging Him to move, but not in this way, pleaseeee, pleaseeeee, pleaseeeeeee not in THIS way! Can’t it just be something different, anything, make me jump off of a bridge, or swim with sharks, anything but this. You may be asking what THIS is, well I really believe that I’m being asked to remove someone from my life for at least a little while. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! He’s asked me to do this before! It left me broken and alone, and of course having nowhere to go except to His arms. Some of you are probably asking how this is bad, well it’s not, I’m just selfish and an extrovert, and don’t wanna have to do that. But I’ve seen the beauty and grace that flows from that, so what do I have to do, JUST DO IT!!!

I am told to cast my burdens on Him who is able, because He restores my soul for His namesake, and because I am a treasured gift in his eyes, and He loves me!! Seriously He promises that, and His promises are endless, and unwavering. I’ve seen deliverance, I’m just scared of the process. I’m scared of the cost to myself, however I know that it’s so worth it. I scared of the pain and the sorrow that could come from this however he also promises that the sorrow and pain may last for the night, but that joy will come and run over in the morning. It’s a beautiful truth that I neglect more than the worst of them. However I must trust in Him with all my heart, mind, and soul! And that’s all I can do. By neglecting what I am called to my flesh will surely be satisfied, but my soul would surely die.

So what is all this to say… THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION! Well there is, but by not doing what I am called to I am being disobedient and that never got me anywhere fun. So no if this is what I’m called to it’s not gonna  be fun, but it will be life giving, redemptive, and an act of grace. Like I said before I know there is a plan in all of this. I don’t know what it is, but it’s there, somewhere.

I prayed a while back lyrics from a popular song thats out right now called oceans and it says, “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you will call me. TAKE ME DEEPER THAN MY FEET COULD EVER WANDER AND MY FAITH WILL BE MADE STRONGER IN THE PRESENCE OF MY SAVIOR!” That last line is sick, and dangerous. Because I prayed for this I should’ve know that The Lord was going to move. I prayed that He would take me where I would have to fully rely on Him, and He’s bringing me to that. Granted I should’ve been there all along. I know my Heavenly Father loves and cares for me, and that He will not let me fall. I am a treasured gift in His eyes. I see Him moving in this situation I just know its much different then what I thought. But none the less I know He’s going to move, and He’s going to direct my ways.

So this may be painful, and it may require a great deal of tears, but if this is where He’s leading me then I will follow!

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You KNOW Me, and Still You LOVE Me!

“And nothing is hidden from Your sight
Wherever I go, You find me
And You know every detail of my life
And You are God and You don’t miss a thing”

Recently I’ve had to conquer a lot of demons. Things that I’ve held inside for a while, and needed to get out but was too afraid to let them out all because I didn’t want to be judged for them. However recently a friend sent me this song called, “You Know Me” by Bethel Music, and let me tell you this thing is wrecking my soul. It is a beautiful and simple reminder that He knows all my junk, ever bit of it and still He knowingly loves me. I can’t comprehend that. I feel this rushing in my heart that calls me to just fall on my face and adore my Heavenly Father for who He is! But one thing I also have to remember is that He doesn’t create me to go it alone. He has given me a beautiful community to laugh, cry, scream, rejoice, and love with. I am not alone in this battle. That’s the beauty in my brokenness. With a million pieces of broken members of one community that are being all being redeemed by the only one who is powerful enough to do so, we form one perfect beautiful community.

IMG_4552One of these beautiful pieces in my life is someone I’ve talked about on here before, and yes you guessed it, it’s my person Carlie!

Carlie and I have been separated all summer as we were both pursuing our callings and doing what we were told. Carlie stayed here in the US and ventured to Hampton Beach, New Hampshire, while I went to Central Asia. We were both radically changed in ways that I don’t think either one of us foresaw happening. Although through these changes we were never really able to talk them out with one another and process them, due to the fact that we were 13,000 miles apart. That definitely caused a few problems in us understanding one another. But none the less the second we got back we were thick as thieves all over again.

We have had our moments so far where we’ve just had to lay everything there is out on the table and love one another through it all. We’ve both cried multiple times now with one another, and I’m positive there will be many more before then end of the semester. Our tears have been different recently, our tears have been for reasons that just suck, and are out right attacks from the enemy. These attacks are all trying to break us apart, but with the help of the beautiful Saviour and community that we have I know we can make it through this!

One thing I adore about Carlie and I’d relationship is that we’re never willing to just role over, and give up on one another. In every other friendship I’ve had in my life this was never the case. Either myself or the other person were never willing to last through the hard stuff, and move forward. There was never a sense of honor or integrity for our friendship, so we weren’t willing to fight. That has never been the case with Carlie and I. She has never given up on me, even on my worst days, and she reaffirms me everyday that I’m doing the same for her. I’ve never had someone so willing to love me, or even fight for me!

IMG_4432 IMG_4439 IMG_4429This relationship is a beautiful picture of the love that our Heavenly Father has for us. Regardless of the problems, pain, and sadness we may cause in His existence HE LOVES US ANYWAYS! Seriously, who else does that for you in your life? I’m sure there’s something I could do that Carlie would never be able to forgive me for, however I never want to find out what that is. Our Father is willing to bend over backwards and fight for us daily. For those of us who are lucky enough even, He puts someone else here on Earth with us to walk through it all with us. He has given me Carlie! I can’t think of a better woman I would ever want to walk through life with me. She loves me, she treasures me, she is there for me, she’s willing to be open with me, and most important, she’s willing to fight for me, and for our friendship! I seriously can’t think of anyone else who has ever voiced their thoughts on that subject. For her to just say it warms my heart!

I can’t give enough thanks for this girl! She came into my life and hasn’t left. We’ve had to have some extremely difficult conversations since returning to school, but still she loves me, and I love her. She’s willing to be there when i really truly need it! I can’t begin to think of what or where I would be right now if I didn’t have her. Never, ever, ever, ever do I want to have to see that picture! But there is a plan and a reason for everything, and I know she was put in my life for reasons beyond my control. She is helping me to see grace, and redemption daily and she helps me to pursue the two of them radically and relentlessly. I can see our growth with every word we speak to one another.

IMG_4571Carlie, you know ALLLLLL my junk! I’m not joking. You know the details, and the dangerous patterns but still YOU LOVE ME. No matter what it is you’re always willing to help me through it and be there for the hard times. You’re willing to love me and help me to seek grace. You are the sister I’ve longed for, forever and for always. This is not going to be an easy year, but I know that with the grace, redemption, and freedom that we have received from He who is our Father, that WE CAN DO THIS! It’s gonna be a daily battle, but we are some of the strongest soldiers. You inspire me everyday to seek Holiness, and to have you running this crazy race with me is such a beautiful picture of truth. I’m talking in circles now, but It’s because I believe that I could write 1,067,079 blog post on you and still never truly capture how much you mean to me! You know how to pick me up when I have fallen, and you know how to love me when I feel most unloveable. You are my person, you’re who I’d go to if I killed someone and needed help hiding the body (Grey’s Anatomy reference). You’re the person who I make up weird nicknames for the guys we’re crushing on so we can talk about them in public, or around them! Ha! But all in all, you’re my person, my best friend, my sister, my everything! You are the half that makes me whole, and any other cheesy thing you can think of. You make me, me! I love you.

Thanks for climbing this mountain with me, and never giving up on me!

A Broken Circle

One thing I absolutely love about living in this beautiful valley is the night sky. It’s such a beautiful thing to get to see and enjoy. I remember numerous times my freshman year my friends and I would go out and layout a blanket on the quad and we would stargaze for hours. We would sit out there and talk about life, our campus, emotions, and just everything. It was a time I loved because it was a time that I got to truly connect with whoever I was with on a deeper level, and really get to know their heart. Now that I’m an RA in the best building on campus I am blessed to have an awesome little platform in front of my building that we refer to as, “The Wall”. My friends and I take full advantage of having this thing at our full disposal. We go out there some nights and we talk, play music, chill, and some times we just sit in silence while watching the night sky. Last night was one that encompassed all of those aspects.

It started like any other night. My friend and I were leaving a campus event and were meeting a friend on the wall, and after about an hour of chatting with that friend he left, it was just my friend and I. We sat there for a good 45 minutes and just talked about everything. We processed things with one another, and heard each others hearts on certain things and we heard each other out it was awesome. After some time some more of our friends showed up and we sat with them for a while and just hung out. Once we were all together our conversation went into a new mode of discussion. We entered into a time of real and true fellowship together. We began to bare pieces of our souls, and seek genuine counsel. It was so beautiful to see how we opened up with one another.

After a while the group shrank down to just four of us we sat in this tiny circle. During this time we moved into a discussion about each of our own individual moments where we knew redemption was at work, and eternity was totally the goal. Stories of disbelief and radical faith, while others were of their pure crying out to their Father praying that they would be save in His arms. It was a moment I was overjoyed to get to be apart of. Real and raw community that could only be orchestrated by our beautiful Father.

In that moment we were connected by grace, we were united by one. I’ve heard it said before that, “You can never truly experience the beauty of grace until you sit down and look some in the eye and let them see your demons, and then they look into your eyes and their response is, I love you anyways!” It’s so true! When we keep those emotions and feelings bottled up they eat away at us. We must be willing to carry one another’s burdens and love each other anyway. It’s not a suggestion but more a commandment that we through off everything, and instead put on love! Love is what holds us together, it’s what redeems, it’s what has set us free, and ultimately it’s what leads us to eternity. That is what we’re meant for, not this temporary world.

In that moment that we were sitting together looking at the stars and sharing our hearts I noticed that we made one beautiful, messy, and broken circle. This circle is being renewed and restored to it’s ultimate state. The people in that circle are being redeemed and changed because of the heart of a Father that loves us and sees us as more than worthy. That circle gives me hope and helps me to see daily what life is meant to be and how it is supposed to be lived. As we came to an end on our night we went through nearly 2 hours of sharing our favorite songs and singing together under the beautiful night sky, in our beautiful, messy, and broken circle. 🙂