I’ve known that I needed to write this post for a while, but I could never find the words, or the motivation because of how truly worn I was, however I know I need to write this out and put it out there for the world to see…. So here goes nothin!
The word “Worn” is an adjective meaning, damaged and shabby as a result of overuse. I honestly can’t think of a better word to describe my life right now, and I’m only 5 weeks into my semester, how shameful, ha! But I know that there is a reason, I don’t know what it is but I know there is one. I am feeling this way for many reasons, one I’m a junior in college. Meaning I’m at the clutch of my college career, one year away from having to step into the real world, and still one year left of what is supposed to be the greatest years of my life. So you could say I’m slightly torn about that. However I’m at a point in my life where I’m having to make some of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. What am I going to do once I graduate, I have a great idea of what that is but I truly don’t now. The one question everyone in my immediate family wants to know, when am I getting married… my current answer to that, Don’t know and Don’t care, and I kind of need a guy in my life to even kick off that idea, and yea that position is currently vacant in my life. The one thing my grandmother continually asks, “How do you expect to make a living just teaching English Overseas?” My answer, I’m not sure, but my father does :).
But needless to say I could go on for hours about my woes, but I won’t bore you with that. My life is insane!!! That’s all there is, I’m tired, I’m worn, and I’m in desperate need of someone. However my downfall is that I constantly neglect is that I forget that I do have someone, always at anytime of day. He’s there, and He knows me, and He loves me anyways! Yep, my amazing savior. I so often forget His presence in my life and how HE IS ON THE THRONE. He is longing for me to call out to Him to ask for the help that I need and long for.
So what do I do with this truth? I run away of course!! I think, NOPE my feelings and my problems are way to big for you, so deuces I’m out! I neglect necessary time that I should be spending with Him, I run from prayer, and I of course flee from the word. They scare me because I know He’s wanting me to do something I don’t want to do. I’m begging Him to move, but not in this way, pleaseeee, pleaseeeee, pleaseeeeeee not in THIS way! Can’t it just be something different, anything, make me jump off of a bridge, or swim with sharks, anything but this. You may be asking what THIS is, well I really believe that I’m being asked to remove someone from my life for at least a little while. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! He’s asked me to do this before! It left me broken and alone, and of course having nowhere to go except to His arms. Some of you are probably asking how this is bad, well it’s not, I’m just selfish and an extrovert, and don’t wanna have to do that. But I’ve seen the beauty and grace that flows from that, so what do I have to do, JUST DO IT!!!
I am told to cast my burdens on Him who is able, because He restores my soul for His namesake, and because I am a treasured gift in his eyes, and He loves me!! Seriously He promises that, and His promises are endless, and unwavering. I’ve seen deliverance, I’m just scared of the process. I’m scared of the cost to myself, however I know that it’s so worth it. I scared of the pain and the sorrow that could come from this however he also promises that the sorrow and pain may last for the night, but that joy will come and run over in the morning. It’s a beautiful truth that I neglect more than the worst of them. However I must trust in Him with all my heart, mind, and soul! And that’s all I can do. By neglecting what I am called to my flesh will surely be satisfied, but my soul would surely die.
So what is all this to say… THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION! Well there is, but by not doing what I am called to I am being disobedient and that never got me anywhere fun. So no if this is what I’m called to it’s not gonna be fun, but it will be life giving, redemptive, and an act of grace. Like I said before I know there is a plan in all of this. I don’t know what it is, but it’s there, somewhere.
I prayed a while back lyrics from a popular song thats out right now called oceans and it says, “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you will call me. TAKE ME DEEPER THAN MY FEET COULD EVER WANDER AND MY FAITH WILL BE MADE STRONGER IN THE PRESENCE OF MY SAVIOR!” That last line is sick, and dangerous. Because I prayed for this I should’ve know that The Lord was going to move. I prayed that He would take me where I would have to fully rely on Him, and He’s bringing me to that. Granted I should’ve been there all along. I know my Heavenly Father loves and cares for me, and that He will not let me fall. I am a treasured gift in His eyes. I see Him moving in this situation I just know its much different then what I thought. But none the less I know He’s going to move, and He’s going to direct my ways.
So this may be painful, and it may require a great deal of tears, but if this is where He’s leading me then I will follow!