So in the last week I have successfully failed to post any blogs this week, I’ve found myself in quite the predicament when it comes to relationships, and I’m having to finally recognize that Summer Project is only 2 weeks from being over. All I can say is… I’m not ready for this! I mean really, I’m thrown in with 31 new people, and told to grow with them and grow in my relationship with the Lord, and then they’re literally ripped away from me! So needless to say I don’t want to fall into my normal habit when I pull away from others that i don’t know that I’ll be close with after project, but I think it may happen. So please be praying this doesn’t happen.
Now another thing I mentioned comes from the category of relationships. Now I’m going to begin this section with the fact that I love my brothers here on project, and they are all amazing men, and I’ve literally fought these feelings all summer, and now it just feels like this is something that the Lord wants for me. So at this point I’m not going to close myself off from something that the Lord could very well be planning for in my life. At the same time I’m also trying to be very prayerful about the entire situation, and making sure that I’m in constant communication with the Lord. I have been intentional about staying in the word, and journaling my thoughts, and also being in communication with my amazing accountability partner Ellen :)). Now on with what this entire section is about. I have said since the beginning of project that I did not want to come into this looking for a husband. I have been very intentional on pursuing single hood, and it is something I’ve enjoyed. I have found joy in being used by the Lord, and fully being available to him, and his glory! Now earlier in the summer I was finding that I was dreaming about some men here on project. These dreams weren’t bad in anyway they were just consumed with seeing myself with different guys here, and it scared me. Being in a relationship was the one thing I said I wouldn’t do, and that I wanted to fully focus on the Lord. Now I made all of this known to my amazing discipler and bible-study leader Julie, and she had some amazing advice for me. The advice encompassed a lot of prayer, and checking my heart, and just really looking into seeing these men as my brothers before anything else. Then Julie proceeded to tell me a story that I think will always stick with me.
So let me give you the characters in this story first. The first character and maybe the main character is a precious little girl is Karina, she is the daughter of our second character named Krista, and lastly we have Kristin. So here on project we and the staff have off every Friday this day includes a day off for the staff. So the staff sometimes got to go to the Hilton and spend the day at the pool. So this time Kristin decided to take Karina down the slide at the kid’s pool. So the two headed to the steps, and headed to the top of the slide. They both sat down together, and prepared to make their way down. When it was their turn they took off down the slide toward the water. Upon hitting the water the two bit it, and immediately went under water. Well little Karina was definitely not ready for that to happen, so the initial shock of going under startled her, and left her freaking out. When she got out she ran to her mother, Krista, but instead of Krista just calming her down and promising her that she didn’t have to go back down she stopped and did something different. Krista first calmed Karina down, and then the two stopped, and watched as other children went down the slide. From this Karina was able to see how these kids were going under, and coming right back up. So after watching this for a little while Krista encouraged little Karina to go down the slide again. She then took her mommy’s hand and headed toward the slide. They climbed the steps, and went down the slide again together. Once again the two went under upon getting off the slide, but Karina was ok with that.
Some may be asking what does this story have anything to do with getting into a relationship, but it has everything to do with doing so. You see I have been so hurt in the past because of my relationships where the Lord wasn’t the center. And let’s face it, that’s every relationship that I’ve ever been in! So the thought of being in one where He is the center is not an easy thought. My mind begins to wonder, and get lost in my thoughts. I begin to think that there’s no hope for me in this department, but I often feel that this fear comes from just not knowing what is coming. I legitimately don’t know what being in a Christ-centered relationship would be like. I have my thoughts, but those are just so uncertain. But basically there is someone here who I think this could be a possibility with. He loves the Lord, and I love that while we’ve been here I’ve been able to see him grow immensely. I have seen him really seek after the Lord, and His heart for his life. It’s so beautiful. Since these feelings came, I can honestly say I’ve prayed the whole way through. If this is meant to be I want the Lord to be our focus, and the center of our relationship. So with that I jsut ask for prayer, and support though out this adventure. I am just really praying that it all works out for the Lord’s plan! Because we all know that his plan for me is much greater than the one I have for myself.
Now on to a different type of relationship, and that is the one that I share with my fellow students on project. Upon arriving here we were all told to dive into this face first. In doing that we all got to know each other very quickly. This included telling your life stories within your small group, and sharing your testimony with the church you were assigned to. And for myself personally I shared my testimony with the entire group within a week and a half of us being here. These people know me, and they know my life, and accept me through it. I know that within this group I am loved, and I am cared for. They are my brothers and sisters, and in my opinion that relationship is stronger than any other. We as a family have had to fight through some pretty tough things since being here together, but to be honest I wouldn’t have wanted to fight these with any other group. The Lord has blessed me beyond measure with this amazing family, and now they are being snatched from me! Come Tuesday August 7th, their gone. We will go back to our homes, schools, and families, and there is no guarantee as to how everything is going to look.
It’s so crazy to think this way, but at the same time I realize that I need to be honest with myself. I don’t want to leave here by any means, but I know why the Lord has plans like these. I realize that I am here for a duration, and what I’ve learned here is not meant to just stay here and never see the light. I am supposed to spread what I’ve learned here like wildfire. In doing that I am not only telling people about how awesome this entire experience but I also get the chance to share what God did! I am so thankful for this, and to show people His love, and His mercy, and His freedom!! Ahh so yes, I can suck it up and admit that this is totally bittersweet, but it’s a little more bitter than it is sweet.
But to anyone out there involved in Campus Crusade you MUST do a summer project, if you’re not involved with CRU then first join, and then go on a summer project! Regardless…. YOU HAVE TO GO! This summer has 100% changed my life, and I am forever a new person because of it. Through every hard time I had to go through the outcome, and the victory at the end has been so soooooo SWEET!